Guntersville (JM) - Deputies in the Marshall County Sheriff's office will have a new tool to fight the forces of evil beginning tuesday when the department's new state-of-the-art Gaydar system is put into operation. Although it is not official county policy to intervene in queer and despicable acts or other abominations that are not specifically addressed by state law, the new equipment will play a big role in day-to-day operations, according to Sheriff Mac Holcomb. "Obviously, where there are sodomites, there is lawbreaking." he chuckled, referencing Alabama's statute § M 13A-6-63, 64, [which was struck down by Activist Judges™ in 1993]

"In the 1940's and 1950's men were men and women were women and, with the possible exception of the head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, there was no mistaking which was which. Both were proud of their individual roles" said Holcomb, a former Marine. "Gaydar is going to allow us to paint a clearer picture of the motivations and hearts of suspected perpetrators. It can also be used for screening of recruits and in demonstrations for local Boy Scout troops and civic or church clubs.

"Make no mistake about it;" he continued while scribbling furiously on a notepad, "we are at war for the preservation of morality. There are evil forces that are hard at work to steal the hearts and minds of our precious children!"

Paid for in part by a grant from the Foundation for Moral Law, Inc., Marshall County's Gaydar system employs three ultra-gain highly discriminate Gaydar guns which are electronically linked to law-enforcement computers in each squad car. When aimed at a suspected homosexual and activated by pulling the trigger, the gaydar gun indicates a positive reading with an audible siren and rotating LED light.

Marshall County's gaydar system was scheduled to go into operation immediately, but the department has had to fine tune its "Indetermination" settings as several "false alarms" have sounded in the sheriff's office. "This equipment is highly sensitive and can detect the least hint of unnatural disposition," explained head deputy Frank Glenn, glancing accusingly at his partner, Lance, "Like right now for example, it's probably picking up some queer off my nightstick because I had to subdue a likely pervert last week outside the Redhot Lounge."