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SRI Buys Quinlan Castle As Hedge Against Economic Turmoil
Provides Other Protections As Well
Southside (DB) - After more than a decade of vacancy, one of Birmingham's architectural landmarks was finally purchased for redevelopment last Tuesday. The four story Quinlan Castle has been acquired by Southern Research Institute, which plans major renovations and additions to the existing structure.

"We are planning on taking the building closer to its medieval roots," said SRI spokeswoman Dr. Kathy Shannon. "The current walls will be reinforced and we are considering how much weaponry to add to the upper walls. We have become increasingly concerned by rising fuel costs and economic turbulence in the U.S. and feel that the company needs a facility which can withstand the side effects of a partial or total collapse of civilization while still allowing us convenient access to our current research laboratories."

Dr. Shannon provided an outline of SRI's general investment strategy for the project. $10 million will go towards exterior work, such as sealing up most existing entrances and constructing a small moat between 9th Ave South and 21st Street. An additional $2 million will go towards interior improvements, including coal furnaces for boiling oil and at least two trebuchets above the north wall.

Dr. Shannon continued, "We feel that this plan gives us our best chance of surviving the coming food and gas riots and the ensuing die off while still being able to fully serve our research partners and whatever elements of the U.S. government remain after the collapse."

SRI also announced an eco-friendly community reinvestment plan which will establish a series of urban farms on vacant lots nearby to the Castle. The plan calls for produce and livestock to be raised organically by local residents in exchange for a small share of the harvest and protection from bands of roving brigands.

Construction on the facility is expected to begin as soon as a financial agreement can be reached with the mason and carpentry guilds. Dr. Shannon added, "Even if the current economic situation stabilizes, Southern Research will still be well positioned to deal with other looming catastrophes such as large scale terrorist attacks, limited nuclear missile exchanges, and zombie apocalypses." SRI continues to deny rumors concerning its Infectious Disease Research Facility in Frederick, Maryland and reports of numerous deaths from a mysterious flu in that area.