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Tide Celebrates Victory Over Homeless, Starving Opponent
Tuscaloosa() - The undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide football team rose to 2-0 overall after their heroic come from behind win over Southern Mississippi. The game was played less than two weeks after Hurricane Katrina devastated the gulf coast and caused substantial damage to the Southern Miss. campus in Hattiesburg. This led some University of Alabama boosters to predict that the disaster was an opportunity for Alabama to demonstrate its much-touted 'classiness' and reschedule the game to a later date, thereby allowing the USM players to recuperate. Unfortunately, while other schools might balk at beating a team whose players were suffering from typhus and dysentery, UA officials had no such qualms. Coach Shula had this to say in defense of his controversial decision, "Sorenson told me that if I didn’t win a bowl game this year, he’d take my thumbs."

Since food and fresh water were scarce in Hattiesburg, the team was forced to relocate to Memphis where they spent the week before the game practicing in an abandoned Shoney's parking lot. Despite the hardships they endured, most of the Southern Miss. players remained upbeat and looked forward to the game. At one point, a Southern Miss. drive deep into Alabama territory late in the fourth quarter had Tide fans worried until a member of the Bryant-Denny maintenance staff 'accidentally' turned on the sprinkler system. The sight of water sent the shell-shocked USM players into convulsions and many fell to the ground screaming.

Ultimately, the sickly and emaciated Golden Eagles proved to be no match for the Tide’s well-fed offense. Afterward, USM players returned home with a high opinion of the Tide fans’ hospitality. "The fans kept taunting us with these deli trays," said one USM player, "but they were still a lot nicer to us than FEMA." While the game was not the blowout that the UA coaching staff had hoped for, they will get another chance this weekend when they square off against the AIDB Iron Mutes.