AU Coach In Waiting?

Site Search

'Hamster Twitter
Langford proposes White Collar Resort Prison on Trinity Site
Titusville (JM) - Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford surprised Council members at Tuesday's meeting with a video fly-through rendering of a proposed "White Collar Resort Prison" which he wants to see built at the former Trinity Steel site in western Birmingham.

According to the Mayor's proposal, the site, currently owned jointly by the city and the Jefferson County Industrial Development Board would be donated outright to the United States Department of Justice if they agree to abide by a list of specifications embodying Langford's vision for a 21st century rehabilitative center for white-collar criminals.

"The days of putting non-violent offenders in featureless beige cells with thin carpet and 13-inch TVs with only basic cable are over," declared the Mayor. "With this project, Birmingham can take pride in having a model for other white collar resort prisons. Langford, dressed dapperly in a full-length camel topcoat over a dark-brown tailored pinstripe suit and sporting a red and blue striped tie over a mauve shirt with a starched white collar, proceeded to enumerate the amenities of the proposed prison.

"Each detention suite will have a state-of-the-art audio-visual system with surround sound as well as a top-of-the-line smoke filtration system. A separate bedroom allows for privacy during conjugal visits while a small refrigerator and toaster oven makes it easy to keep cookies and ice-cream handy."

"For recreation," continued Langford, "the prison's community hall will be equipped with video game machines. Frequent winners will have access to a special "VIP room" with massage chairs and higher maximum bets. Other amenities will include a natatorium, equestrian center and pistol range."

The architect for the $225 million project is Josef Hohensinn, famous for designing the Justizzentrum in Leoben, Austria as well as several Apple Stores in Europe. Speaking to the Council, Hohensinn stated that he was, "proud to make your Luxus-Gefängnis architecture and hope that the Weiße-Kragen guests are always loving Birmingham and happy-making here."

Officials from the Justice Department and US General Services administration denied any knowledge of the mayor's proposal, but did support the possibility of working with the city to accommodate the unusually high demand for housing non-violent federal prisoners in the Birmingham area.