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Rumsfeld To Coach Tigers
Auburn (JM) - Donald Rumsfeld was introduced as the new defensive coach at Auburn University during an afternoon press conference on Wednesday. Rumsfeld, who becomes the 18th defensive coordinator in school history, signed a four-year contract worth $2.55 million per year.

"It is with a great deal of pleasure that I announce that we have selected Donald Rumsfeld as our new defensive coordinator," university athletics director Jay Jacobs said. "Rummy brings a mixture of grit and experience to our program, while at the same time, a 6-year career in the Defense Department has prepared him for the step he is taking today.

The 76-year-old Rumsfeld was a defense specialist for Washington for years, under two Presidents Bush, Reagan and Nixon. Prior to that he enjoyed a stellar career in the pharmaceuticals industry, engineering a dramatic comeback season at Searle which saw the introduction of aspartame and a much-publicized acquisition by Monsanto.

"It was that mix of entrepreneurialism, leadership, and conservatism that made Rummy the perfect fit for this job," Jacobs continued. "We talked with Donald Wednesday night and he was able to reach a decision quickly. We are obviously excited to have him on board." Rumsfeld, whose only football experience was on the lightweight team at Princeton, is the oldest coach in Auburn history. Legendary coach and pre-game jumbotron narrator Ralph "Shug" Jordan retired at 65.

"I am obviously excited about this job," Rumsfeld said. "There is a bright future ahead for Auburn. In coaching, every day is filled with numerous opportunities for serious error, and I plan to enjoy it. Some would say that this team is in a quagmire. I don't do quagmires. I mean, as you know, you go through the season with the team you have. They're not the team you might want or wish to have at a later time. The way to do well is to do well"

The Auburn defensive coordinator position became available when Tommy Tuberville resigned, all of his coaches were fired, and Tuberville collected a $5.1 million check from the University. Tuberville was brought to Auburn in 1999 from Oxford, Mississippi in a pine box. He replaced Terry Bowden, who left the team rather than face the dreaded Louisiana Tech Bulldogs. In his ten seasons with the Tigers, Tuberville, who drives a Ford Truck in a series of commercials aimed at securing an auto-industry bailout, compiled a 85-40 record at Auburn with one perfect season and no national championships.

Rumsfeld, now the oldest football coach in the Southeastern Conference, has not named any of his assistants, announcing instead that he would put together a study on the issue. "You learn from hearing a range of perspectives," said Rumsfeld, "Consultation helps engender the support decisions need to be successfully implemented. There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."