The Birminghamster
For March 24, 2004 "Go Blazers!" - Vol. IV No. XI published every other Wednesday

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  Oak Mountain Invites Postal Workers to Thin Deer Herds


Oak Mountain(JM) Officials from the Alabama Department of Parks and Recreation have announced plans to contract as many as 50 U.S. Postal Service employees from around the state to thin Oak Mountain State Park's deer herds, which have become dangerously overpopulated. "What we're planning," said Department Head Mike Cuttwood, "is to allow the postal workers to come in on Sunday morning and basically just go postal on Bambi for the full day." To prevent unnecessary bloodshed, the park will be closed to visitors during those hours. Normal park operations should resume Monday, though it might take longer to clean up all the mess. The postal workers, who will be allowed to bring their own weapons, are expected to be able to take out significantly more animals than the seventy bowmen who were allowed to hunt the park grounds last month. "Hunters are basically in it for sport. They don't consider the weaker, frailer animals to be trophy quality targets. Limiting the archers to two kills backfired because they were all lying in wait through the bulk of allotted time hoping to snare a big buck," explained Cuttwood. "Postal workers, on the other hand, are indiscriminate killing machines. They won't be deterred by the sight of a dew-eyed fawn licking its mothers face any more than rain, sleet or snow would keep them from firing all their appointed rounds. I expect a large percentage of the overpopulation will be eliminated in a short time." "We need to thin the herd, for the health of the deer and the balance of the ecosystem. But some of the people we're bringing in can't be expected to show much concern for balance. We're going to take every precaution to assure the best quality wildlife management for Oak Mountain. In fact, to be safe, rangers are sequestering a mating pair of healthy deer in a secured bunker well away from the park. Alabama's Postmaster General, Walton Halliday, expressed similar concerns, "Within our organization, we're asking that at least two experienced sorters from each main station spend a carefree expenses-paid weekend at Gulf State park relaxing with their families while all this goes on. Now I hope that things don't turn out the way I fear they might, but just in case we want to make sure that all our operations are staffed with good, happy workers come Monday."

Eye of Sloss Settles on Woodlawn


Woodlawn() Casting about for precious development opportunities, the Eye of Sloss has descended on the woe begotten Woodlawn community. Thought to have escaped the ever searching eye, the last few residents of Woodlawn are scrambling in fear over what is to become of their lives. Plans have come and gone which would have turned Woodlawn back into a thriving residential suburb, but now it seems that the Eye has other plans. With the Eye fixated near the Hippodrome, it is clear that some monstrous commercial development is afoot. Some have no problem with whatever the Eye has planned for Woodlawn. "Development is a good thing," said Woodlawn resident Denny Thorne. "I'll do whatever the Eye says if it means I might one day be able to go shopping around here." Other's are not so sure of the Eye's motives. "Everyone is so fascinated by that ring of development around Pepper Place," said Woodlawn native Sam Oliver. "I'm not so sure that a thousand-dollar lamp does anyone much good." For its part, ONB has given the idea of Woodlawn development a thumbs up. "We are just too busy keeping track of development in the city center right now to write-up an official endorsement for our newsletter," said Michael Calvert. "But we are certainly excited that some development might be occurring."

Time Of Whites Has Ended


Birmingham() Without even the strength left to protect their traditional havens of Forest Park and Glen Iris from the inevitable changes taking place in the world around them, the first boat of Whites was borne away Tuesday towards Birmingport and to the lands beyond the Gulf. Once so deeply rooted in their forested dwellings on the slopes of Red Mountain that nothing could touch them, the whites slowly lost touch and thus influence in the realm of daily life in Birmingham. Long did they ignore the encroachment of the Sodomites in Southside and did not foresee that their stubborn determination and fondness for dancing would bring them so much power. The coming of the Mexicans, however, was foretold by Valerie the White whose power has long held Glen Iris in mysterious isolation. Her vision came to pass recently as the Mexicans spilled over the Green Springs mountains and took up dwellings on the very outskirts of her once lonely land. The White leader of Crestwood has also felt the coming of a new era. The Blacks, who have never left Avondale, are returning in numbers to areas the Whites made popular. "Our time in Birmingham has ended," said the last ruling Steward of Crestwood. "The woodland peoples here before us were run off, and now it is our turn." Long have the non-whites stood at the northern borders of Crestwood, and with the fall of the infirmary, nothing will check their progress. At Birmingport the Whites have been seen boarding coal barges which will carry them silently from this land forever.