The Birminghamster
For June 6, 2001 "You can't fight in here! This is the war room." - Vol. II No. III published every other Wednesday



Super Mayor

Bizarro Arrington breaks free from chains
Bizarro Arrington Promises to be Force for Good
Downtown() Freed at last from his exile in the Bizarro World, Bizarro Arrington has returned to Birmingham and promises its citizens that this time he will be a force for good. Tricked into retirement to the Bizarro World by the genial Mayor Bernard Kincaid, Arrington was thought to be lost forever. However, a recent mistake by Kincaid created a sudden rift in the time-space continuum, allowing Arrington to slip back into the fourth dimension. Arrington was tricked into the Bizarro World in the first place by the clever Kincaid who secretly edited one of Arrington's speeches. After reading the introduction, Arrington was supposed to introduce the Reverend Fred Shuttlesworth to the out of work lunch crowd. But Kincaid had changed the name to 'Mxyzptlk' which Arrington read by mistake. At that moment, Arrington was instantly banished to the Bizarro world, supposedly never to return. But the boundary with the Bizarro world has reportedly been getting weaker recently, actually ceasing to exist for a split second during a recent city council meeting. It was Kincaid who made the mistake that actually caused the break in the Bizarro fabric. He agreed with Council President William Bell about paying poll workers for the Water Works referendum. The watchful Arrington seized that moment and returned to our dimension more powerful than ever. Arrington has promised to be good this time and even help improve education in Birmingham City Schools. The only thing he asks in return is our help in destroying Kincaid. Arrington says that it won't be so easy to get rid of him this time. "I was tricked by that Uncle Tom once, but never again," Arrington said. "Besides, with Gorilla Grodd and Scarecrow on my side, I don't think Kincaid will be messing with me." Reports linking Arrington, and members of his Legion of Doom, to a plot designed to send Kincaid into the Bizarro World are unsubstantiated at this time. In fact, Arrington has invited Kincaid to Birmingham's first ever 'Kltpzyxm' in hopes that the two can settle their differences once and for all.

Black wannabees

Posing White Teens
Local White Teens Destroying Black Culture
Birmingham() New research by the Pew Center for the people and the press, reveals that black culture in Birmingham is being subverted by posing white teens. Many activities normally associated with black teens are now being poorly perpetrated by clueless white teens. Dozens of area white teens are seen daily about the malls with their long shorts hung low sporting backwards ball caps. And the sad thing, according to area black teens, is that most of that stuff is outdated. "They have taken the best elements of our culture and twisted them in their own crazy white way," said black teen Calvin Walker on the sidewalk outside the Regal (formerly Cobb) Wildwood 14 Theater. "They continue to use outdated hip-hop jargon and won't create anything new for themselves. They seem to always be copying us and never innovating." That is precisely the problem according to the Pew Center. The white establishment is candy coating the 'hip-hop' and 'gangsta' culture and packaging it for today's media centered youth. To check the Pew Center's findings, Birminghamster staffers took a trip to Visionland recently and were startled by what they found. More than one teenaged white boy was observed with a backward baseball cap and long shorts. In one particularly perverted case, the young miscreant was wearing extremely long cut-off jeans. Much to the chagrin of real black teens, more and more media attention is being lavished on this 'wanna be black' white sub-culture. They point to the popularity of Kid Rock and Eminem as prime examples of the problem. As black teens become nostalgic for the 70's and the grand old days of hip-hop, white teens are perpetuating the basest, most commercial elements of the genre. "We would like to celebrate black culture and get back to our roots," said Mumia Abraham of the Birmingham Rap Alliance (BRA). "Instead of seeing all of these white kids poorly perpetrating, we should be out reviving Bam, P-Funk, and Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Then people could celebrate us for what we are and not what the white establishment wants us to be." It may already be too late for black culture when the postal service has seen hip-hop as mainstream enough to issue a commemorative stamp. And with white kids going to the French Quarter on 2nd Avenue, it is definitely too late for Birmingham.

Not all white

Unpure Powerhouse
Purity Of Essence Overcomes Powerhouse
Daphne() A controversial ban on inter-racial dating may have paved the way for the Bob Jones boys prep baseball team to overcome perennial state powerhouse Vestavia Hills. The policy, originally implemented to promote racial purity, has been a target of many critics, most of them minorities. "It's not a racial thing," insists Bob Jones principal, Robert Jones VI. "We just want to make sure that good Christian boys and girls spend time with other good Christian boys and girls that are the same color. Besides, we don't allow our students to date Catholics, Unitarians, or Scientologists either. And of course, no same sex couples regardless of their religious beliefs." Athletic director Joel Anderson supports the principal's position. "A clean spirit and a focused mind makes our kids healthy in body." Local sociologist Gwen Wilson believes that the team was able to concentrate more on baseball because of their restricted dating pool. "This isn't 1989 anymore," said Wilson. "There are Catholics and African Americans all over the state, and even the occasional Jew or Mormon. There just aren't enough Christian white girls to go around. That is why the boys are spending a lot more time with each other, learning the game of baseball." Outside the Bob Jones community, people are taking a different view of the ban. "These are the same red-necks that give Alabama a bad name. I imagine they still promote cockfighting at that school," said Vestavia Hills graduate, the successful Dr. Scot Bennick. He went on to add that people should in fact "respect life." Whether the Bob Jones ban is derived from Biblical teachings, or is merely the result of white supremacist ravings is unclear at this point. But one thing is for certain, the Bob Jones prep baseball team conquered their own Goliath, even if Daphne beat them in the end.