|
|
|
Judge Roy Moore Suspended Over Commandments Monument
 |
|
Moore Being Suspended |
|
| |
Montgomery(JM)
Faced with the impending removal of a granite tribute to His commandments, God took the unexpected step of suspending his champion, Roy Moore, over the 2.6 ton memorial. Held aloft by cherubim and glowing with a heavenly light, Moore, 56, made a brief statement before turning his eyes upward in prayer, "Fear Not!" he thundered from several feet in the air of the State Supreme Court Building's rotunda, "For verily I will defend the law of God, the basis of the rule of law in all Judeo-Christian nations! Those who come to remove this rock will surely be struck down!". Faced with this unequivocal manifestation of the divine, the Judicial Inquiry Commission had no choice but to prostrate themselves in front of the magnificence of the sacred law. Skeptical onlookers from the "Americans United for Separation of Church and State" acknowledged the miracle of God's presence, but maintained that state government must remain neutral on matters of religion. "God is truly awesome," said attorney Gee Parker, who had assisted in the legal effort to remove the monument, "but clearly His divine will can not be held to extend to matters of secular government. The law of Moses is only one among many models for the Alabama jurisprudence and to place it alone in the rotunda diminishes the contributions of Hammurabi, Jefferson, and Jim Crow. I understand that God wants to elevate Judge Moore for his passion and faith, but He really needs to think about taking this sort of display outside instead of in the rotunda of the Supreme Court building"
Alabama Voters Set to Decide on Third World Status
 |
|
Riley Holding Our Future |
|
| |
Montgomery(JM)
Governor Bob Riley is asking Alabamians to "Lay the
Foundations for Greatness" when they go to the polls to decide the
future of the state in a referendum set for September 9. After winning
the governor's office in a campaign that promised to bring
accountability to state government, Riley set to work on a courageous
package of reforms. The proposal, if passed, will go a long way toward
reversing decades of regressive and unjust taxation policies and
insuring that the state has the resources to meet its obligations.
If the measure fails, however, officials are prepared for "Plan B", which includes joining the community of developing nations, the
so-called "Third World." While the possibility is controversial, many
observers feel that adding Alabama to the "League of Impoverished
Nations" is a no-brainer. "They've been struggling to keep afloat in
the upper division for too long," said Gert Rosenthal, former
University of South Alabama Athletic Director and President of the
United Nations' Economic and Social Council, "Alabama just doesn't have
the culture of developmental excellence that top-tier governments like
Holland and Oregon strive for. By dropping to third world status,
Alabama has a chance to excel in league with natural rivals like Guyana
and Eritrea. Along with reduced scholarship and budgetary requirements
in Division III, Alabama would also become eligible for revenue sharing
and developmental aid through the International Monetary Fund."
International Relief Aid, however, may not be the solution to all of
Alabama's problems. "Just look at Argentina," countered University of
Alabama-Birmingham economist Bert Ballard, "before going into
bankruptcy it looked like they had all the advantages: rich and diverse
natural resources, enormous private investment in infrastructure, and
depth at nearly every position in government, but a couple of costly
turnovers and a month-long investment slump and all of a sudden they're
looking at hundreds of billions of dollars in debt, rampant
unemployment and anarchy in the streets. Alabama, which lacks
Argentina's educated work force, can't afford to lose this one."
Sally Struthers, moved to tears by the thought of the children of
Alabama going without proper education and public health programs,
urged citizens of the developed world to contribute toward the
estimated $600 million in additional funds needed to keep Alabama from
further deterioration. "For just $1 a day, the price of a cup of
coffee, you can help prevent a crisis of neglect in Alabama. Please,
give these kids a chance!"
Operation Orange Fence Addresses Derelict Property Problem
 |
|
Former Baptist Building |
|
| |
Irondale()
In a bold move aimed at addressing the hazards, unsightliness, and threat to real
estate values inherent in derelict properties, the City of Birmingham has
unveiled the program 'Operation Orange Fence'. Widely applicable to a variety
of inadequate property upkeep situations, this innovative solution avoids
the skyrocketing costs associated with assessment of the building's condition for
repair or redevelopment purposes. "Furthermore," acknowledged one city aide, "this
plan neatly sidesteps the corruption rampant in the demolition industry."
This master-stroke follows closely on the heels of another city beautification
initiative, 'Operation Glossy Booklet'. While representing a potentially
greater investment by taxpayers than 'Operation Orange Fence', its results
have been equally noticeable. Clearly making time to address the question of
his legacy as election day approaches, Mayor Bernard 'Big Grin' Kincaid
apparently aims to go down as the man who highlighted the problems that
make Birmingham less than beautiful. While the plan highlights this administration's commitment to saving
taxpayer money, Earl Wade, a local contractor, expressed concern over
possible financial improprieties underlying the program. "I'd like to have
the orange fence concession on that deal," he said. Arnold Tombigbee, CEO of
Saf-T-Fence, who holds the concession, refused to disclose the exact terms
of his contract with the city, but did note, "Inventors of brilliant
solutions to persistent civic problems deserve to profit from their
ingenuity -- that's the American way."
|
|
|
