|For October 11, 2000 "Deseas una cita conmigo?" - Vol. I No. XI published every two weeks|
London Press Deems Birmingham 'Football Capital of the West Midlands'
Lincoln() During a campaign swing through Talladega county this week, Judge Roy Moore received his Bible belt from officials at the new Honda motor plant being built near Lincoln. The Honda officials were also representatives of the International Karate Federation from which Moore had already received his black belt. The black belt, normally the highest belt bestowed upon non-Japanese, is only attained after years of relentless physical training that includes the perfection of countless body maneuvers requiring extreme flexibility. A severe mental regimen is also imposed which requires daily meditation and the avoidance of all visceral pleasures.
The Bible belt (a literal translation) represents a stellar achievement for Moore and is one attained by only one other American: Jesse Jackson. Only those exhibiting extraordinary ability to deflect their attackers and cause confusion without having to land any direct blows are considered worthy of the Bible belt. Judge Moore praised God for the accomplishment and credited strict adherence to God's ten commandments with providing the noble path to success. Judge Moore also predicted victory in the race to become Alabama's next Chief Justice. "Nothing can stop God, the ten commandments, and me!" Judge Moore is expected to wear his Bible belt continuously until election day in November.
Downtown() In a move that sent shockwaves through the energy community Alabama Power today announced plans to bring a new jillion megawatt generating facility online by 2002. The locomotion for this super plant will be provided by the stray nervous energy of all Birmingham residents. "We have always known about the nervous energy of Birminghamsters, but until recently had been unable to tap into it," said Alabama Power Chief Alternative Energist Wilhelm Reich. "However with the modified orgone accumulator we can now collect all that nervous energy and generate power with it." According to Reich Birmingham was the perfect location for the first nervous energy plant. "You are all so full of anxiety that our orgonometer went off the scale during preliminary testing." Topping the list of worry energy sources is concern over the success of professional football in the city. With both the Steeldogs and an XFL team, the potential energy for failure is quite high. Nervousness over Crimson Tide football is cyclical in nature but always accounts for a large percentage of our nervous energy. Energy output from this source seems to have reached a peak during recent tests. Fears raised about our water supply during the current drought situation have also stimulated an increase in nervous output. "This is a good thing," says Reich. "Normally extreme temperatures and drought situations put the greatest burden on our generating capability...trying to keep up with demand for air conditioning. But in a nice twist, people are most nervous during this time. So the worse the situation gets, the more power we will have." Preliminary estimates indicate enough power in nervous energy to replace all of Alabama Power's existing nuclear generation capacity. Shutting these plants down will eliminate many horrible pollutants that damage our environment.