The Birminghamster
Lowe Knows




by Mrs. Lowe

Malfunction Junction

Why is it that when the World Trade Center comes down, the city of New York has the site cleared and people working on a plan to rebuild within three months but in Birmingham, when a poor unfortunate truck driver knocks out a portion of Interstate while attempting to avoid a deadly accident they are predicting more than a six month replacement/repair time? Could it have anything to do with - - - - maybe, Satan? That must be it. Our city and state government is possessed by the demons of folderol and flatulence. They are so full of trickery and foolery that the hot air which usually escapes from the normal Southern ass is compressed and goes to their head. Is that what makes them air heads? Evidently so. Alas, since they seem to be powered only by natural gas and not the electrical brain impulses the rest of us use to circumnavigate our worlds, we are at the mercy of their foul smelling actions and deeds.

The restaurateurs in town are up in arms about the potential loss of business due to proposed detours. Rumor has it some of them were organizing to take flying lessons at the Shelby County Airport only to have their plot foiled when a security guard found copies of the detours in their delivery vans. The Bessemer Airport has been put on high alert. Donaldo (Pea Diddley) Watsons, Attorney for the restaurateurs, said their intent was not to fly the planes into any buildings, they just needed to fly to their new temporary locations along the detour routes. It has been a long time, they said, since you had to go to Nashville just to get from Tuscaloosa to Atlanta.

The lady selling peanuts at the Jefferson County Courthouse and Civic Center has petitioned to join the restaurateurs, as has the hot dog man close to John Hand and the Harbert Center. However, they were not voted in because a hot dog cart and shopping bag are not considered legitimate places of business and due to their mobility, could easily relocate to one of the detour routes. The peanut lady is quoted as having said she will probably have to file Chapter 11 since First Quarter Indexes will show a zero rate of return. It becomes increasingly difficult to attract and maintain new business ventures in the city because of the odoriferous cloud surrounding City Hall.

I really feel bad for the peanut lady. She has been at that location for as long as I can remember. Once, when I was at the Courthouse filing for my seventh divorce, I asked if she had a recipe for Peanut Brittle. She was more than happy to oblige and I have reprinted it here for your enjoyment. Don't worry about copywrite infringement. She said it was OK.

Civic Center Peanut Brittle

2 C. Sugar
2 C. Shelled Roasted Peanuts
1 C. Karo Syrup
1 T. Butter
1/2 C. Water
1 tsp. Vanilla
Pinch of Salt
1 tsp. soda

Boil syrup, sugar and water to hard boil stage. Add peanuts, butter, vanilla and salt; cook to golden brown. Remove from stove and add soda. Mix quickly then spread on buttered dish. Let cool and break into pieces sort of like the interstate.