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Lowe Knows |
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by Mrs. Lowe GARDEN CLUB MACHINE You know, I believe I have stumbled upon an underground movement in the Hoover area. It seems there are a number of neighborhoods with garden clubs and most of them award the homeowner with the most glamorous lawn a "Yard of the Month" sign to be placed in a prominent place and displayed for one month until another lucky winner is chosen. Now, I was recently in the Winn-Dixie on Sulphur Springs, my home away from home, and overheard the following conversation between two women whose actual names will be changed to protect their innocent families. Azalea: Did you see who got yard of the month? Lilly: I saw it but couldn't believe it! How do you think she got it? Azalea: Oh, Lilly, you know how she got it as well as I do! Lilly: Well, even if she IS sleeping with Harry, I still don't understand how he got his wife and the entire garden club to vote for her. If I were his wife, it would be a cold day in hell before I would vote for her, I don't care how many hours she spent working in that yard. Azalea: Actually, I don't think even Harry had much influence on this one, Lilly. It's the Machine. It's bigger than you think. It controls whatever goes on in every garden club in Hoover. And we both know what a legend Camellia is. Why, her own Mother was Queen of the first Dogwood Festival. No, I don't think sleeping with Harry had anything to do with it. Lilly: Well, maybe not but you know as well as I do that her yard was not the best in the neighborhood. Not this time and not any time, as far as I'm concerned. Azalea: It's just as I said - the Machine decides and there's nothing much can be done to stop it. You might as well accept it, Lilly. Remember what happened last year when Rose Busch opposed the vote. They never proved it but it's a well known fact that some thug associated with the Machine trenched her yard. That's why she has those rocks all around the perimeter of her lawn now. She means to get the next person who tries it. Lilly: You can't say a word about this,Azalea, but someone is going to see to it that Camellia gets what's coming to her. I won't name names but I heard that somebody is going to spray her entire lawn with some leftover Agent Orange they've had in their garage since they got back from Viet Nam. If it still works, she wont have a single blade of grass left standing. Azalea: But Lilly, that means the Machine will only retaliate and God knows what will happen next. None of us will be safe. We don't even know who they are. It could be anybody-even our own husbands or children. Lilly: I can tell you this - a For Sale By Owner sign is going up in our yard as soon as possible. I can't live like this anymore. Rose, Magnolia Leaves, Clematis Vines, Iris Bulb and myself have decided to move our familles to Idaho. No one there has lawns. Everything is very natural and free and the men surround the neighborhoods with guns to keep anyone out who might be associated with the Machine. Oh my Lord, here comes Camellia - act like we were just passing by. Both: Oh, Hi Camellia - your lawn looks beautiful. Congratulations on winning the award this month. Camellia: Please, get up off your knees. Now, go. Be fruitful and multiply as dandelions in the wind. I don't know about you guys but I, for one, am taking no chances. I have no intentions of working in my front yard lest I be somehow drawn into this scary scene. Any landscaping I do will be in my back yard where I alone will see it. There won't be any flowers growing in my front yard until George Corley Wallace comes back to life and whistles Dixie for a Baron's game at the Hoover Met. |
