The Birminghamster
Lowe Knows




by Mrs. Lowe

Buck Naked on South Shades Crest

Recently, there was an article in the local rag (I refuse to call it a newspaper) about a guy who was found wandering buck naked down South Shades Crest Road in broad daylight with his clothes in his hands. The cops were called and a squad car was dispatched. They picked the guy up, told him to get dressed in the squad car, gave him a couple of bucks and took him to the closest McDonald's and let him out! They said they mentioned taking him to a homeless shelter and he adamantly refused to go!

What big heart's they had! Not to mention ignoring a law about indecent exposure! Next time I get picked up for smokin' the wacky weed, I know just what I'll do. I'll take off my clothes and refuse to go to jail! These are the same cops who gave me a $25.00 ticket for parking in the wrong spot at the mall. You know the end of rows where they have all the little yellow lines? Well, I parked Ruby there once (only two tires mind you) when she was young and tender so that she wouldn't get her doors banged and some Neanderthal cop with nothing to do and a quota to make came by and gave me an improper parking ticket! It is good to know, however, that if I had come out and found the ticket and taken my clothes off, I could have beaten the wrap!

If you think I won't use that the next time I'm stopped for committing a crime of no consequence, you just hide and watch! The headlines will read:

Police Free Local Woman Found Naked at Winn Dixie

Residents of the Pinewood and Trace Crossings Communities in Hoover are warned to be on the lookout for a naked woman seen running through the Winn Dixie parking lot with the Hoover Police in hot pursuit. She was apprehended but set free when she explained that she didn't wish to be taken home.

Allegedly, she informed Officers Wilson "Pig" Puckett and Darwin Theiryov Evolution that she had certain inalienable rights, one of which was freedom of expression and that was exactly what she was doing. She was exercising her rights (not just exercising) she said. When further questioned about which right that was, she responded "The right not to be fleeced at the check out line in Winn Dixie." She was said to be fleeing after a confrontation with the manager over price gouging and the old "bait and switch" tactic recently employed by the food chain to recoup losses in the ongoing price war against Food World and the Bruno Family Grocery Mafia.

When asked why she didn't wish to be returned to her home, the woman burst into tears and bolted away, heading east on Sulphur Springs Road, shouting about being unable to deal with the "Men's" there. She had earlier told the Officers of her subconscious desire to drown the family pets along with the "Men's" in the pool at Birchtree Swim and Racquet Club.

No recipe this week folks. I'm still trying to get the cockle burrs out of my behind!