The Birminghamster
Lowe Knows




by Mrs. Lowe

School Days

Boy, am I glad the little devils are all contained again. Now I can get out on Highway 150 between the hours of 8:00 AM and 3:00 PM without being mowed down by teen agers who have just gotten their licenses and distracted Moms who are maneuvering their mini-vans with a child hanging off each ear lobe. It is risky business these days just to make a short trip to the Galleria. And I-459 should be renamed the Hoover International Speedway. Scary!

Already we have a controversial issue of global proportions going on in our school system right here in Hoover, Alabama. An eight year old is suing the system over his right to wear an ear ring. He's a cute little boy -- doesn't need an ear ring, if you ask me. And why did his Mom send him to school with one knowing what the dress code was? Now, I admit that it may seem pretty harmless for a little boy to wear an ear ring to school. But I believe our school systems are trying their best to create a safe environment for learning and you all know how it goes -- if they let one little boy come with an ear ring, then they have to let some other kids come with all those other pierced parts showing -- their tongues, eye brows and belly buttons. What a distraction! Not to mention dangerous! I read about a girl who got her pierced tongue caught in her boyfriend's braces and the fire department had to come and use the jaws of life to separate them. And what happens when the piercing takes on another aspect? You know, like some guy gets real brave and has his private member pierced and starts going around saying "If you'll show me yours, I'll show you mine"? I'm agin' it, ya'll. Not fer it a'tall. Not prudent and not conducive to education is all I'm sayin'.

As elated as I am about the safer roadways during school hours, I am equally dismayed about the slower Internet connections in the after school hours! It seems there is not enough Viagra in all the world to keep my ISP up and running. I get kicked off once for every 5 minutes I am on-line after 4:00 PM if, and that's a huge if, I can connect at all. No use trying to call Customer Service either. The number given is that of another ISP who says I will have to call yet another number where I am forced to orally relate to a foreigner who speaks in another tongue. (or maybe his tongue is just pierced). Now, don't think that I just have PC problems. I have deleted all my "cookies" and changed my settings and tried every trick I know to make it stay up to no avail. I am so frustrated. The next thing you know I will be out looking for another ISP in all the wrong places! I just can't deal, ya'll. And this is like a marriage - I committed to a 3 year contract!

Well, enough moaning. I am glad school is back in session. I can now get up my street and go in and out of my drive way without the pool and tennis court traffic. Wal-Mart is empty of screamers and there are no hacking, coughing, runny nosed kids waiting in the dentist's office in the middle of the day. I can get a haircut whenever I want as long as I go during school hours and the library is a place of peace and serenity once again.

Of course, you all know that I would gladly give it all up if I had any grandchildren. If there were grandchildren, I would set fire to any school who said he couldn't wear an ear ring, build another driveway to my house, sit in the midst of the Bubonic Plague at Vestavia Pediatrics if they were sick and wait in an endless line at "The Look" for a hair cut. A helicopter would not be out of the question as a mode of transportation. My son could build a heliport in the lower part of my backyard. But I am just not sure about the Internet connection. If the little devils hogged my computer every day, I might have to send them home to their Mother (my daughter), the original Internet Head!

I wish every child had a loving Mom at home every day when they came home from school. I understand this may not be possible in today's family. I just wish it WERE possible, and I wish that more Mom's would WANT to make it happen and more Dad's would, too. Our kids would be better off with less things and more loving, caring people in their lives. I believe it. Anyway, since I know that lots of kids come home to an empty house and spend long afternoons unsupervised, I am sharing the following recipe for some healthy comfort food that doesn't require using the stove to prepare. (Those ear rings can heat up and singe their tiny ear lobes if they get too close to the oven.)

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches

Two slices of Whole Grain Wheat Bread
1 Tbs. Hellman's Mayo
One Banana
2 Tbs. Crunchy Peanut Butter

Spread one slice of the bread with the peanut butter, one slice with the Mayo. Slice the banana and put it in the middle. Get a big glass of cold milk out of the fridge. DO NOT go sit down in front of the computer to eat this. Take it outside with a book and a blanket and have a picnic under a tree. Watch out for your dog. If you have a big cardboard box, get your Dad to cut you a door and some windows in it and you can have a fort. Get your uncle to wire it for lights and a fan. Ask your Mom if you can use the cushions off her new couch to make it a little more cozy and home like. If your friend comes over, tell him he has to take his ear ring off before he comes in. If something weird happens and you need advice, call your Grannie. She will come help you. If you don't have a local Grannie, call me.