Wednesday, June 7 - Zoo Exhibit
Commode O'Dragon arrives at Birmingham's Jimmy Morgan Zoo. The exhibit is located at the site of the former restrooms behind the former concession stand adjacent to former Monkey Island. Zoo officials speculate that the alligators now housed at former Monkey Island may have reproduced with the babies making their way through the sewer grates and into the plumbing of the nearby building. Children are cautioned not to feed the reptiles.

Thursday, June 8 - World Premiere
The Alabama Theatre presents the world premiere of "Rustin" a movie filmed in Alabama. The movie stars Vestavia Hills native Michael Pappajohn and one of the kids from the "Home Improvement" television series. Ticket prices are set high to help finance a new hearing aid for the Alabama's sound technician.

Friday, June 9 - Free Concert
Birmingham Weekly sponsors a free concert at Bro. Bryan Park featuring Wayne and Jet Star 7. The barely-amplified music will start promptly at 5:00 P.M. accompanied by the cacaphonous sound of sport utility vehicles chugging up 22nd Street toward the Expressway. For those interested in learning more about or purchasing recordings by the bands performing in this series, maps to the most recent rumored location of Slip Disc records will be provided.

Saturday, June 10 - Dances for a Summer's Eve
Southern Danceworks presents a lot of people jumping around on stage at the Alys Robinson Stevens Performing Arts Center. Not sponsored by C.B. Fleet Company.

Sunday, June 11 - Rickwood Classic
Featuring your hometown Birmingham Barons against the Mobile BayBears (who will pretend to be the Houston Buffaloes, ca. 1931) - Fun for all with this nostalgic trip back to the glory days of the Dixie Series. Segregated seating on game day. Not that anyone would know the difference.

Monday, June 12 - Fantasy Football B.S.ing
Meets every Monday night until the season starts at the Taco Mac on 11th Avenue South. Be prepared to talk draft picks and wax nostalgic about how last season would have been for your team if Vinny and Fred had stayed healthy. Cash bar. Twenty four hours advance notice required for appetizers.

Tuesday, June 13 - Guest Bartender Night
At the Nick. Not that anyone would know the difference. Also, open stage night at Marty's.

Wednesday, June 14 - Mid Week Crisis
Dugan's pub (Birmingham's original pub) hosts this event to help you make it through hump day. Siouxsie Bo will be there to help relax everyone with her soothing voice.

Thursday, June 15 - Oh My God City Stages!
Gawd. What am I gonna wear? I wonder if Tiffany is going? Hey do you think Stacy would let me borrow her Jellies? They are so retro. Like I wasn't even born when people were wearing them. And I hope that fake ID works at the Miller Stage. I'm not leaving the Miller Stage unless that Todd shows up. Like he still thinks he's my boyfriend or something. Like choke on a clue.

Friday, June 16 - City Stages Day 1
Man I'm gonna sit in my lawn chair all day at the Blockbuster Cafe. Those suckers without lawn chairs can blow me.

Saturday, June 17 - City Stages Day 2
That lawn chair is just too much hassle. Maybe I can find a curb to sit on or something when I get really tired.

Sunday, June 18 - City Stages Day 3
Those fucking lawn chair bastards, blocking me from seeing Jill Sobule. If they don't ban those things I'm not coming back.

Monday, June 19 - Vestavia Zoning Board Meeting
Vote on a request for a variance to construct a miniature golf course on the roof of the newly constructed mini storage facility across from Chuck E. Cheese's.

Tuesday, June 21 - Morning Becomes Electra
To tell the truth she doesn't want Vulcan put back up. Just look on top of the Alabama Power building and see how much shinier and happier she is since they took the ugly man down from his perch. Now put Mars up there and meow!