The Birminghamster
For March 28, 2001 "I've done far worse than kill you, I've hurt you." - Vol. I No. XXIII published every other Wednesday




Girl Meets Dodge
Vestavia Girl Actually Expected To Drive Dodge
Vestavia Hills() Vestavia Hills High School student Melissa Seekins returned from her successful driver's test this past Monday to discover a grey 1988 Dodge Aries waiting for her in the driveway. Seekins had been expecting a new BMW or at least a Jeep for her sixteenth birthday and was shocked by the presence of the Dodge. "This is such bullshit!," she exclaimed. "How do they expect me to drive that car?" After a few more minutes of ranting, Seekins broke down and began crying and pleading with her father for another car. Despite Seekins's continued whining, father Tom refused to budge from his stance regarding his daughter's vehicle. "I drove a Dodge Duster when I was a 16 year old. Sure it was ugly as hell, but it never broke down and it was safe. When Melissa has proven responsible enough, we may upgrade her to another car. Until then she is expected to drive this car."

Friend and fellow Rebel Girl Tori Hanover appealed to the parents of her grief stricken friend. "It's just that, well, you know, like with Melissa's skin tone and hair color, she should really be in like a Sebring Convertible or something during the summer months, and a Cherokee or Explorer or something nice with a moon roof and a CD player when it gets a little cooler. I don't think she'll ever be able to drive to parties in that thing. I know I won't be riding with her." Seekins asserts that she has already demonstrated incredible responsibility both in her job at Turtles and through her various high school activities. "Not only am I the only Rebel Girl on the SGA, I have been a class favorite two years in a row, and am the only sophomore to be nominated for office in the Leo Club. Plus I have, like, good grades, a boyfriend of seven weeks, and I'm on next year's prom committee. I just don't see how I can continue to do all these things if I drive a Dodge Aries. There is no way I'll get elected as an officer in the Leo Club if I have to drive that car." DaimlerChrysler CEO Juergen Schrempp would not comment directly on the incident, however he did state repeatedly that the Aries was built by Americans and not Germans.


Apocalyptic Scene
Conflagration Consumes Liberty Park
Liberty Park() A fire of apocalyptic proportions swept through the tony community of Liberty Park this week, destroying everything in its path. This indiscriminate blaze destroyed office buildings, expensive homes, and even the Boy Scout Headquarters. The cause of the fire is still under investigation, but attention is being focused on the natural gas torch held by Lady Liberty.

According to area refugees, the torch had not been seen burning since sometime last week. Vestavia Hills Fire Marshall Probthanil Vance believes this may be the root cause of the incendiary plume. "The torch was extinguished, but the gas was still flowing. It must have slowly collected in the low lying areas surrounding Liberty Park. A single spark was all it took to ignite the whole valley." Ironically, the gas appears to have been ignited by a group of boy scouts from local Troop 96. The scouts were camping within the woods attempting to earn their CAMPING (E) Merit Badges, by fulfilling requirement 8-c, in which each scout is to cook for the patrol a trail meal requiring the use of a lightweight stove. Miraculously, all of the campers survived the initial explosion by covering themselves with fire proof blankets. Unfortunately several perished trying to protect their headquarters from the consuming element and at the same time earn their FIRE FIGHTING Merit Badge. All of the surviving scouts received their FIRE SAFETY Merit Badge by fulfilling requirement 10-a, which is to explain the cost of outdoor and woodland fires and how to prevent them from occurring.

Liberty Park developer Gary N. Drummond flew over the area to survey the destruction and make a plan for the rebuilding. When asked for a comment he simply shook his fist and exclaimed "You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"

clean beast

New Deuteronomy
God Gives Pork Thumbs Up
Mountain Brook() Construction workers at the Levite Jewish Community Center in Mountain Brook unearthed a series of underground chambers on Tuesday believed to be the remains of a primitive pre-Columbian Jewish culture. Discovered within one of the structures was a series of bound manuscripts containing what at first appeared to be selections from the Book of Moses. However, as Jewish scholars from Temple Beth-El began examining the writings, large discrepancies soon emerged.

Most specifically the rules governing the preparation of flesh and the consumption of pork are radically different. "On the land ye shall eat of all the beasts that divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud. The ox, the sheep, and the goat are unclean to you. The flesh of the unclean beast makes madness thy companion." This passage is in direct opposition to the standard Jewish law requiring an animal to have cloven hooves and chew its cud before being considered clean. Many who have examined the new scriptures believe that the 'madness' referred to must be a reference to mad cow disease.

Other meat-born diseases are similarly referred to in what scholars are calling a clear update of Deuteronomy. Most experts point to these references as obvious warnings about the basic uncleanliness of modern day beef, poultry, and lamb. And yet the formerly maligned pork meat seems to hold high station in the new Deuteronomy. "The white flesh of the other beast is clean. Bring it close to the fire for a time and eat it for thy nourishment." This passage indicates that as long as it is cooked properly, pork is perfectly safe to eat. With other meats you can't be too sure. Rabbi Joseph Levy was skeptical at first. "But the more I examined these scriptures, the more obvious it became. These are the works of God himself. The handwriting is too similar to the ancient texts to be anyone else."

Others who have studied the manuscripts feel that they are indeed a long overdue update to Jewish law, meant to be discovered when the old law was no longer applicable. To cope with this, the JCC has arranged pork preparation and cooking demonstrations to be held every Sunday afternoon. Gus Hontzas of Gus's Barbecue will be on hand to teach classes titled 'Inside vs. Outside Meat' and 'Succulent Swine Sauce' among others. Says Hontzas, "Once you go pork you'll never go back. I never understood why people ordered that nasty beef barbecue. I didn't know it was some sort of religious thing." Local pork merchants are preparing for the upswing in demand that is sure to follow this scriptural revelation. Don't be too surprised if your local joint runs out.