The Birminghamster
For August 16, 2000 "He was a cruel man, but fair." - Vol. I No. VIII published every two weeks




Insurance Company Provides Risk® Solutions
Downtown() Birmingham based Liberty National Insurance Company has announced an entire new line of Risk® solutions to complement its staid offerings of life and whole life. Some of the solutions include the "Australia Gambit" and "All out war in Asia." The "Australia Gambit" is extremely popular in the industry because it has every piece placed in one area with only one way in and one way out. "It is an extremely safe position," says Liberty's Jessica Langston. "We prefer a Risk® solution that is simple and allows you to concentrate all of your resources in one area." The "Australia Gambit" is one of the company's least expensive Risk® solutions because it is easily managed and has a defined benefit. "All out war in Asia" carries higher premiums and thus a potentially higher payoff. This plan is tied to a more volatile region of the globe and requires you to spread your pieces extremely thin. Langston describes this as a much more aggressive solution tailored to young professionals. "The roll of the dice is much more critical in this solution. The outcome of a single battle can affect your entire future. If I were on defense I would only roll one die at a time." The company sees this as part of a trend to offer more variety in a stagnant industry. "Risk® solutions are going to be huge," says Langston. "I wouldn't be caught playing without one."

   Birmingham Steel

Birmingham Steel

Birmingham Steel to Outsource Steel Making
North Birmingham() In a move that stunned industry leaders, Birmingham based Birmingham Steel Corporation today announced plans to outsource steel making at its North Birmingham Plant. Operations at the plant will now be carried out by a Korean conglomerate which is a subsidiary of the giant Hitachi corporation. Details of the plan remain sketchy, but apparently the Korean firm will actually own and operate the plant as a profit center for Birmingham Steel. The company hopes that this arrangement will allow it to be more flexible and act more quickly to market changes. "Before when market demand for a particular product changed suddenly, we would have to retool our entire operation and were often left with unmovable inventory," said CEO Ralph "Bull" Gordon. "With this outsourcing arrangement all that is required is a phone call." In fact this is exactly what has happened in many other Birmingham Steel departments besides manufacturing. The purchasing, billing, shipping and receiving, payables, and IT departments have already been outsourced with stunning results. Each of these departments now consists of a single employee who acts as a liaison with the external provider. In the case of the IT department all this employee does is interpret a users problem and check to see if it can be duplicated. Then the employee contacts the ASP to see if a fix is available. When asked about the status of Birmingham Steel assets in this arrangement, the accounting department employee said that this was a "win win situation" for Birmingham Steel. "The company has been carrying all of these assets and lands at far below market value in the register. Now we will see a huge influx in cash from the Korean firm which will have to purchase the North Birmingham works at market as part of the deal." This cash will allow Birmingham Steel to concentrate on its core competency again. According to CEO Gordon, "We can put all our resources into being a steel company again."


Baptist Minister

Baptist Minister Admits Women May Indeed Have Souls
Cullman() A Baptist researcher announced Wednesday the discovery of controversial new evidence supporting the theory that women have souls. The Reverend Hugo Simpson, director of the prestigious Cullman Institute for Biblical Research and a native of Birmingham, called a press conference Wednesday to announce that a critical passage of new testament scripture has been mistranslated. Simpson, whom Charleton Heston refers to as "the greatest biblical scholar in America", has drawn heavy criticism in the past for his support of such taboo practices as dancing and prenatal care. Simpson now believes that the famed passage in I Timothy Chapter 2 Verse 12 "Bitches ain't nuthin but tricks and hoes" has actually been mistranslated for centuries. Using recently discovered texts, Simpson arrived at the substantially different translation "I loves all the girls, smacks all da hoes" after a late night of ministering at a local bar. The consequences of this discovery have been both widespread and immediate. In Rome Cardinal Ignatius Jackson, spokesman for Pope John Paul II, issued the following statement: "The Catholic Church has demonized women for centuries because it was our belief that St. Paul hated them. Now it appears that instead of hating them he actually loved them...frequently. Oh well, my bad." Local religious leader Scott Williams, minister at Birmingham's progressive Highlands Baptist Church, was elated by news of the discovery. "This is very very promising. For years we were unable to understand how women, who are infirm feeble creatures, could derive the purity of essence necessary to produce strong male children. Now with this new translation everything finally makes sense. Women may indeed have souls." Critics have lambasted the claim as nothing more than a publicity stunt designed to boost sagging attendance figures at Cullman based God's Country theme park. Ezekial Proudfoot of the Southern Baptist convention states, "That's crazy talk. Why would God waste a soul on a creature that can barely even grasp a football? The truth is there, in the Bible. There is not one shred of evidence that women have souls." When asked if this meant that women would now be allowed to play a more active role in the Baptist faith Simpson cautiously replied, "We should not rush things. As Baptists we know that a woman's primary role is that of childbearing. To allow our women too much freedom would be detrimental to their welfare and would likely incur the wrath of God."

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