The Birminghamster
For May 24, 2000 - Vol. I No. II published every two weeks



Half Dome
Half Dome

City to Get Half Dome
Red Mountain() City leaders proclaimed triumph today as they announced Vulcan Park would be replaced by a Half Dome. Seeking to gain the support of the entire community, not just sports fans and the business elite, city leaders chose to emulate the successful model of Yosemite national park. According to National Park Service figures over 20 million people a year visit the Yosemite valley in northern California and the top attraction for these teeming throngs is Half Dome.

The city's plans call for relocation of the Vulcan statue and massive reshaping of Red Mountain. Harbert Construction has been contracted to remove the massive amounts of earth and rock necessary to sculpt the mountain into the Half Dome shape. According to president John Harbert, "We will run drag lines 24 hours a day 7 days a week until we complete this project." Needless to say the city has offered considerable bonuses for each day the work comes in ahead of schedule. "The initial outlay on this may be significant, but the long term dividends are boundless," said Birmingham mayor Bernard Kincaid. "We fully expect the economic impact of this new tourist attraction to be over a billion dollars in the first year."

Kincaid compares the new Half Dome coupled with Visionland to the weekend destination provided by Stone Mountain and Six Flags in Atlanta, Georgia. "We will have travel packages including train excursions and World Passport passes to Half Dome, Visionland, and the Civil Rights Museum. This thing is going to be big. Bigger than any whole dome could be."

Gap Commercial
Gap Ad

Gap to Film Ad on Southside
Five Points() Local muted pastel and khaki wearing dancers celebrated the announcement this week by The Gap corporation that it would film a new commercial on Birmingham's southside to help spur flagging sales at its Five Points location. The commercial, The Gap's first to be filmed on location outdoors, will feature young beautiful people in Gap clothing frolicking about the Frank Fleming statue and through Brother Bryan (formerly Magnolia) Park.

Scaffolding covered by black tarp will line the dancers' path to focus attention on the dancers and their clothes. "We will use the statue for its whimsical wholesomeness but we feel that some of the other images in the area might disturb our viewers," said The Gap's chief media evangelist Charlene Haught. When asked if she was referring to The Mill and the empty Gorin's location she declined to comment.

torn up
Damaged Box

Krispy Kreme Box Torn Up
Downtown() A Krispy Kreme box on the third floor of the Southtrust tower was torn up this morning as workers attempted to gain access to the tasty treats contained within. Krispy Kremes are housed in a special flat box which is used to keep the doughnut to doughnut contact to a minimum. According to Krispy Kreme officials the box also keeps the doughnuts, noted for their deliquescent properties, from absorbing too much moisture as they age.

Witnesses to today's incident reported that the only part of the box damaged was the locking tab which is used to help hold in the freshness. "I saw David headed for the unopened box and I held back to see how he dealt with the complex locking tab," reported Human Resources manager Linda Farelli referring to co-worker David Bishop. "He just tore the tab right off in order to retrieve his favorite, the chocolate iced glazed. I don't blame him, because I've never been able to open one without tearing the tab either." In fact Farelli has never seen a Krispy Kreme box remain with its locking tab intact in the ten years she has worked at Southtrust. "Darla Banks claimed to have successfully disengaged the locking tab once, but she was always the anal type."

When presented with this information Krispy Kreme officials said they would look into the problem. In a prepared statement, "To us the locking tab mechanism is an integral part of our doughnut delivery system. Its function is not merely to protect the Krispy Kremes during transportation but should also be utilized by the end user to prevent casual opening and closing of the box." When asked about this casual lid flipping Farelli reported that it is a problem at Southtrust. "People are always raising the lid to see if there is a raspberry jelly filled left. I don't think the doughnuts were designed to be exposed to the atmosphere that much. If the locking tab is supposed to prevent this it isn't doing a very good job."

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