City to Get Half Dome
City leaders proclaimed triumph today as they announced
Vulcan Park would be replaced by a Half Dome. Seeking to gain the support of
the entire community, not just sports fans and the business elite, city
leaders chose to emulate the successful model of Yosemite national park.
According to National Park Service figures over 20 million people a year
visit the Yosemite valley in northern California and the top attraction for
these teeming throngs is Half Dome.
The city's plans call for relocation of the Vulcan statue and massive reshaping of Red Mountain. Harbert Construction has been contracted to remove the massive amounts of earth and rock necessary to sculpt the mountain into the Half Dome shape. According to president John Harbert, "We will run drag lines 24 hours a day 7 days a week until we complete this project." Needless to say the city has offered considerable bonuses for each day the work comes in ahead of schedule. "The initial outlay on this may be significant, but the long term dividends are boundless," said Birmingham mayor Bernard Kincaid. "We fully expect the economic impact of this new tourist attraction to be over a billion dollars in the first year."
Kincaid compares the new Half Dome coupled with Visionland to the weekend destination provided by Stone Mountain and Six Flags in Atlanta, Georgia. "We will have travel packages including train excursions and World Passport passes to Half Dome, Visionland, and the Civil Rights Museum. This thing is going to be big. Bigger than any whole dome could be."
Gap to Film Ad on Southside
Local muted pastel and khaki wearing dancers celebrated the announcement
this week by The Gap corporation that it would film a new commercial on
Birmingham's southside to help spur flagging sales at its Five Points
location. The commercial, The Gap's first to be filmed on location outdoors,
will feature young beautiful people in Gap clothing frolicking about the
Frank Fleming statue and through Brother Bryan (formerly Magnolia) Park.
Scaffolding covered by black tarp will line the dancers' path to focus
attention on the dancers and their clothes. "We will use the statue for its
whimsical wholesomeness but we feel that some of the other images in the
area might disturb our viewers," said The Gap's chief media evangelist
Charlene Haught. When asked if she was referring to The Mill and the
empty Gorin's location she declined to comment.
Krispy Kreme Box Torn Up
A Krispy Kreme box on the third floor of the Southtrust tower was torn up
this morning as workers attempted to gain access to the tasty treats
contained within. Krispy Kremes are housed in a special flat box which is
used to keep the doughnut to doughnut contact to a minimum. According to
Krispy Kreme officials the box also keeps the doughnuts, noted for their
deliquescent properties, from absorbing too much moisture as they age.
Witnesses to today's incident reported that the only part of the box damaged
was the locking tab which is used to help hold in the freshness. "I saw
David headed for the unopened box and I held back to see how he dealt with
the complex locking tab," reported Human Resources manager Linda Farelli
referring to co-worker David Bishop. "He just tore the tab right off in
order to retrieve his favorite, the chocolate iced glazed. I don't blame him,
because I've never been able to open one without tearing the tab either." In
fact Farelli has never seen a Krispy Kreme box remain with its locking tab
intact in the ten years she has worked at Southtrust. "Darla Banks claimed
to have successfully disengaged the locking tab once, but she was always the
When presented with this information Krispy Kreme officials
said they would look into the problem. In a prepared statement, "To us the
locking tab mechanism is an integral part of our doughnut delivery system.
Its function is not merely to protect the Krispy Kremes during transportation
but should also be utilized by the end user to prevent casual opening and
closing of the box." When asked about this casual lid flipping Farelli
reported that it is a problem at Southtrust. "People are always raising the
lid to see if there is a raspberry jelly filled left. I don't think the
doughnuts were designed to be exposed to the atmosphere that much. If the
locking tab is supposed to prevent this it isn't doing a very good job."
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