The Birminghamster
For July 5, 2000 "I say hey sky, s'other say I won' say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol." - Vol. I No. V published every two weeks



La Paree   

La Paree
- still cleaning

Still Hosing Off Pretension Two Weeks Later
5th Ave() Employees at La Paree restaurant are still cleaning up after a thick coating of pretentiousness left by Canadian singer-songwriter Chantal Kreviazuk during her City Stages set on June 17. The pretension began oozing from Kreviazuk's mouth around 8:15PM and quickly covered the Blockbuster Cafe stage. With nothing left to contain it the pool of pretension started dripping onto the street and sidewalk in front of La Paree. Before anyone could respond the thick molasses had crept under the door and into the dining area. This forced the closing of the restaurant for the remainder of the lucrative City Stages weekend. Although the restaurant has reopened, periodic hosing of the immediate area is still required to keep the pretension from rising. Said Kirim Pihakis the owner of La Paree "It's kinda like that smelly valet from Seinfeld, no matter what you do you can't get rid of the stench."

   no vulcan

Vulcan in Pieces

Vandals Strike Vulcan
Vulcan Park() Unbeknownst to Birmingham residents, a team of college pranksters has apparently removed the statue of Vulcan from its perch atop Red Mountain and left it littered in pieces across the parking lot. The act of vandalism was first discovered by city parks employee Jocelyn Ford upon arriving to her job at Vulcan Park gate on Tuesday. "I'm not quite sure when it happened," said Ford. Others are not quite sure either it seems. The last confirmed sighting of Vulcan on his pedestal came in May of last year on a Cub Scout outing to the park. "I remember seeing him up there and thinking how big his head was," reported youthful scout Billy Jenkins during questioning by local authorities. Further investigation has revealed a series of postings in the alabama.birmingham.general USENET group claiming responsibility for the prank. The postings were originally from a UAB group calling itself the Big Ass Prankster Students or BAPS. The final posting however came from James Thrasher a senior in the UAB engineering school. When reached for comment Thrasher said "Yeah, I finally just claimed credit for it to see if anyone would notice. It was supposed to be last year's homecoming prank." City officials say they cannot charge Thrasher with a crime since it was such a bodacious prank. They will study the situation and see how to get the statue back up in time for the start of the XFL season.

Carver High   

Carver High School

Carver High Could Use Some Work
North Birmingham() Facing already enormous cost overruns and a completion date which may have to wait for next year's students, the Birmingham school system received more bad news today as it appears the main building could still use some work. County inspectors today made public a report that details an inadequate number of bathrooms and potential problems with the building smoke detection system. Alfonse Green, construction chief and long time friend of city council president William Bell, expressed little concern over the issue. "We have run into these little problems with the county all through the project and have been able circumvent most of them. I mean we have been able to work with the county inspectors to solve them to our mutual benefit." After a private meeting with inspectors, work was allowed to continue with no apparent changes to the existing design. The inspection team seemed genuinely happy with the outcome of the meeting, boosting confidence in what has been termed the crown jewel of the Birmingham school system. Although disappointment remains at the elimination of the olympic size swimming pool, modern science lab, and high tech machine shop, much hope remains that the remaining ten room building will be a model learning environment. Superintendent Johnny Brown promised that the lower five rooms would be ready to receive students by Christmas. "I think what we have in place in terms of quality is second to none even if we can't handle all of the students yet," said Brown. The existing rooms include a 2000 square foot teacher resource room which includes "virtual" office space which allows teachers to form impromptu groups to discuss lesson plans without the formalization of individual offices. Two of the remaining rooms are state of the art media spaces where students can watch the best teachers from around the globe giving lectures on various subjects. Half of the remaining space is given to a team of counselors who will guide students using daily one hour team building exercises. The final room will be a somewhat traditional classroom except for the electronic white board which will allow students to interact with the teacher by writing their own comments on the board via terminals at each desk.

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